My wife: I need a funny message to put up that lets people know I’m really not going to respond to them. That I’m on vacation and, no matter what the issue, I won’t be available.
Me: Still sore about that out of office crack?
Her: No, this time I’m really out of the office. But it has to be funny — snarky.
Me: How about “I’ve resigned my position. Any clients needing assistance can take their business elsewhere”.
Her: [angry] That’s not funny, just stupid.
Me: Okay, I know, how about “I’m at the World Court in The Hague for special legal proceedings”.
Her: Oh, that’s good! Just right - but what kind of legal proceedings. Am I on trial here?
Me: Exactly, you’re on trial. Yes! Finally called to answer for all your heinous crimes.
Her: You lost me. My crimes? But I’m a good person, I just want to be funny. [Beat] Well, what would my crimes be, anyway?
Me: Take your pick. Genocide, trading in slaves, grand fraud? There’s always the all-encompassing crimes against humanity, that sounds good, huh?
Her: Are you trying to say I’m a bad boss? “Trading in slaves”?
Me: Let’s just say that being a hard but fair manager didn’t land you in the dock at The Hague, okay? I hear it’s actually pretty nice though, you can sit around in a private cell and watch TV all day, when you’re not testifying.
Her: But I am “hard but fair”!
Me: I just hope you have a good attorney that can get these charges dropped.
My wife arrives at a restaurant for lunch with some of her peers.
[Crosstalk]
Man #1 “… And so Jobs says ‘If they wanna drink tea, they can fucking move to CHINA!’”
The table erupts in laughter.
Woman #1 “Oh, very funny. The real problem in tech right now is all the VCs are tighter than a ten year old who’s never seen the inside of a confessional. There’s just no money out there.”
Man #2 “If I had a dollar for every time I heard that ‘no money’ excuse, hell, I’D be a VC. That’s all bullshit — lack of innovation is the problem. Prospect comes in last week asking me to get them press for fucktard.com saying, ‘Yeah, it’s a mix of Google and Linkedin, with some Youtube and a little CollegeHumor mixed in’. These fuckers are braindead.”
Man #1 “I tell you, we’re done in three years, tops. The best investment you can make these days is quit your job, cash out your 401(k), sell your house, and buy oil futures. Move to the fucking mountains. Keep about 50 grand out to take intensive language lessons, cause your next boss is gonna be either Chinese or Indian.”
Woman #2 “You guys hear what Buffett had to say the other day, about taxes?”
The table, as a whole, boos loudly.
Man #1 “Buffett? BUFFETT??? THAT FOSSIL? Old man doesn’t know if he’s taking a piss or getting a handjob! I tell ya, it’s time he had round-the-clock professional supervision. I mean, from a trained nursing staff. Once brilliant, sure, but now just a shadow of the oracle he once was.”
My wife arrives, and sits down quietly, for once.
Man #1 (insufferably) “Seriously, dude says “Tax me more”??? I don’t want stock tips from the man, just the number of his dealer, knowhatimsayin?”
Woman #1 “Well, all I know is when Motorola AND HP decide it’s time to take their chips off the table in the same week, I start examining my vocational choices. I had a chance to get in as head of marketing at Groupon, but”
My wife “Hey, hey, wait a minute now. We’re professionals, right? We’re all educated people here, advanced degrees, years of learning and culture! We can find something more entertaining than marketing to talk about at lunch, right?”
{She’s met with silence and stony glares}
My wife, again “Really, all we do is work, and then when we’re NOT at work, all we do is TALK about work. What about art, passion, cinema, travel, religion? There’s so much more to life than the next product launch!”
Loooong pause
The table bursts into laughter!
My wife: “Aaah, I’m just shitting you. Listen, did you hear about this kid with the Fibonacci solar panels? Now THERE’S an entrepreneur!”
{fade out}
My wife and I are on the phone - she’s on an extended business trip.
Me: Hey, are you there? Is that you:
Her: Of course I’m here, you’re talking to me aren’t you?
Me: That’s weird …
Her: What now?!!?!
Me: Well, I got a funny message from you.
Her: From me? I didn’t send you any messages.
Me: Yeah, here it is. I e-mailed you and I got some automated out-of-office reply.
Her: So?
Me: Well I thought you were on a business trip. You know, lots of meetings and stuff?
Her: [Exasperated] I am! What do you want, I’m going into a meeting in like two minutes.
Me: Well, your message says you’re out of the office. Get it?
Her: What?
Me: I thought you were a big executive, this tyro mogul. You’re never out of the office, you’re in a meeting, or you’re on a call, or you’re pitching someone, or you’re delivering a speech, or you’re at a convention. You’re never OUT. That would imply that you’re not working, not busy.
Her: I really do have to start this meeting so I’m hanging up now.
Me: Hey, I’m just looking out for your reputation here. But seriously, take that out of office message down, okay?
Her: Really, goodbye.
Me: I’m just saying, you do want (click)
If you haven’t seen it, watch it tonight. If you’ve already seen it, enjoy it again.
My wife finishes up a call with a prospect for new business.
Her: (As soon as the call is over) DAMMIT!
Me: What’s the matter?
Her: The prospect decided to go with Acme. (Acme is the competition - names have been changed throughout to protect the unwitting. There are no innocents.)
Me: Sorry to hear that, you’ll get ‘em next time.
Her: That’s not why I’m mad. I got an e-mail a few days ago from Acme asking if I wanted to partner with them and split the account fifty fifty.
Me: Yeah?
Her: Acme is run by that woman, you know her.
Me: I remember, so what?
Her: Well, when she says she wants to partner with me, that means she would end up with the Acme name on everything and me doing all the work.
Me: You don’t want that.
Her: I will not fucking work for her.
Me: Don’t blame you.
Her: I founded my own firm, I absolutely do not need or want to work with another company.
Me: Okay …
Her: She’s Larry Levy.
Me: I know what that means.
Her: I will not work for Larry Levy.
Me: Okay, calm down. I’ll get you a Vittel water, Griffin.
Coffee with my wife, 8:30 on a weekday morning.
Me: So listen, I know you’re busy but
Her: I can’t talk right now.
Me: We just sat down!
Her: I know, but I’ve gotta finish this proposal, its important.
Me: Okay, I’m sure its important, but I just want to quickly talk about the
Her: Sorry, I really can’t talk right now. I gotta go.
Me: What the - where are you going?
Her: I TOLD you, I’ve got to finish my proposal!
Me: Okay, fine. Then we’ll talk when you’re done.
Her: No can do. I’ve got a call at 9, then another call at 10, then
Me: Yeah, I get it, you’re busy.
Her: …I’ve got a call at 11:30, then I have to leave for the train station for that meeting.
Me: Yeah sure Griff, I bet you have a meeting at Paramount too.
Her: [Blank expression] That’s not funny, I have work to do.
- Her: No, that's not what you should be talking about.
- Client: But we want to let the market know about
- Her: No, I told you we're not talking about that. Say nothing.
- Client: But we want
- Her: What you WANT is to get more customers and make big piles of money, right?
- Client: Well, our analysis indic
- Her: Your analysis doesn't matter, I'll do the talking from here on out.
- Client: We really want results that will drive the product.
- Her: Listen, you're not making cars here, you're not an automobile manufacturer, are you?
- Client: No . . .
- Her: We're agreed then. I'll do the talking, you say nothing.
- [This goes on for five more minutes until - click]
- Her: FUCK! Fucking idiot.
- Me: What are you doing down there?
- Her: Messaging. I'm crafting messages.
- Me: Ahh, I see.
A comparative study, outlining similarities, quirks, demands, and foul language. My wife, the business owner, the internet mogul. Also, a tribute to the excellent 1992 movie The Player, by Robert Altman.
